chiaracanaan:

I was interviewed for this magazine recently (I’m “Rachel”), and have been pleasantly surprised at the positive response so far. However, I wished to expand on a couple of the points outlined in the piece, specifically the online activism and the way it appeals to and affects young women.

The transactivist community on Tumblr is so toxic and insular that I spent over a year of my life desperate to escape my womanhood, simply because people on the internet told me it was the only way to “cure” my dysphoria. My newfound “trans” identity consumed me–I spent hours upon hours watching transition videos and dreaming of the day when that would be me. I was sixteen, friendless and depressed, but online, I felt like I belonged.

Shortly before turning eighteen, I left for a nine month internship in a rural area with no internet access. At the end of that period, in which I was completely isolated from online activism of any kind, I was still dysphoric but I no longer wished to medically transition. I came to the logical conclusion that if being free from activist rhetoric had inspired such a significant change in mindset, maybe transition wasn’t the right option for me after all.

I returned to the internet, but this time with an open mind. I found accounts of detransitioned women, many of whom had experienced similar trauma to myself. They had taken hormones, altered their bodies through surgery, and lived as men, but still failed to heal. I hold so much respect and admiration for them, and am incredibly grateful for the ways in which they have supported me.

With the help of these women, as well as my introduction to radical feminist theory, I came to realize wasn’t dysphoric because I was a “man trapped in a woman’s body.” I was dysphoric because my father sexually abused me as a child until I learned to associate womanhood with fear and shame, and I was dysphoric because I am a lesbian, but my internalized homophobia jumped at the option of being a straight man instead.

Had I not been exposed to the cultish mindset of Tumblr’s transactivists at a vulnerable phase of my life, I would not have become absorbed by a desire to permanently change my body. The tendency of these people to indiscriminately “affirm” gender identities is dangerous and incredibly harmful to young women who feel uncomfortable with themselves because of the way society treats females. I was fortunate enough to step away long enough to realize the glaring flaws of transactivism; if I hadn’t, there is no doubt that I would have pursued hormones and surgery without hesitation.

Transitioning to male falsely promises a reprieve from oppression, but running from something is not the way to dismantle it. If women continue to reject being female, we are only reinforcing the patriarchal gender binary that perpetuates our oppression. Transactivism is exhaustingly circular, and at its core it is nothing more than misogyny disguised as progressive feminism.

The problem is not “transphobia.” The problem is rampant homophobia and hatred of women. Every day I am thankful for my reconciliation with my womanhood, and I hope to provide support and resources for other women who may be questioning their gender. Please feel free to hit my inbox and/or add to this post.

Why are so many teenage girls appearing in gender clinics?